I have a problem.
It's something to which I've given a lot of thought over the years -- something that I think I have always known about. I just haven't done much to fix it.
I have an addiction to video games. I'm sure it stems from the boredom I felt as a child after my family moved from our twenty-eight acres of forest into the suburbs of Seattle. What's a seven year old tom boy to do when suddenly her trees and bugs have been replaced by rain and asphalt? Play Super Nintendo, of course. Hey, I like animals and Yoshi sure is cute. It's so colorful and appealing. How could I say no?
...
So for the past twenty three years I've used such electronic escapism to hide from my short-comings. Not that it's much to brag about, but I am quite good at games. I have a sharp mind and I learn fast, so naturally such childish pursuits come easily to me. Sounds pretty arrogant, I'm sure. You'll get over it.
So by now, you might be wondering "What changed?" If you aren't, that's quite alright. I'm still going to tell you. As I lay in bed last night, thinking about my life and how I keep getting jerked around by people who have no right to fiddle with my happiness and well-being, I realized that I have only myself to blame. Despite all of the things that I'm good at -- despite all of my potential -- I don't apply myself because I'm too busy hiding in my safe electronic world where mistakes are as easy to fix as loading your last save. Hell! I just wrapped up draft one of my first novel back in December. Ask me if I've really tried to get it published. Okay, don't ask. I haven't. I've played with it, I've been proofing it, but I always have an excuse for why it's not done. I'm tired. I'm depressed today. I have to go to work in a few hours. My day job is bringing me down ... blah blah blah.
Yea, the list goes on and on, and last night as I lay there with rage and righteous indignation leaking from my eyes onto the pillow after getting slapped in face at work *again* ... I had a moment of clarity. The fire burned down and lo and behold, there beneath the flames was the focus I needed to fix the mess that I've made of my life.
This journal will serve to be the voice of my accountability.
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